Man, I have to fold up my blanket and put it on my seat so my ass is up to a comfortable typing level. It sucks having the hydrolics blow out. But it is such a nice chair otherwise…
So, I’ve come back with another theory. It’s one of those after-the-fact self-rationalised theories, which means it’s probably not worth half a spit, but I feel like writing it anyway. That’s what the majority of what I’ve ever written for a blog is anyway. It goes like this:
I am genuinely interested in just about everything people say to me. An obscure math theorem, trivia about some show that only aired for a week in Hokaido, the story of how your great aunt’s dog died. It doesn’t really matter. I’ll sit and listen, and when you’re done talking there will be a silence for a spell because I will be playing with ideas in my head. Either ones you just introduced, or ones that I was reminded of by what you just said, and now I’m trying to adapt to what you said. This is just what I do. this is why I’m not a real people person. I couldn’t hold a conversation in a bucket. But I’m very good at taking things in.
Breaking it into two parts, I think I have some sort of rationale or at least made up excuses for this behavior. Those two parts being 1) I’m genuniely interested, and 2) playing with ideas in my head.
I’m genuinely interested in what people say. Pretty much in any idea that comes in, be it through people, books, music, a subway sign, whatever. But to be relevant to having conversations, people. I figured out long ago (and still use as a mantra to this day) that if I ever think I know everything, then that is a sure sign that there is something I still do not know. I know that there are things I don’t know, and I know that that will never change. This leads to my general sense of being interested in everything. When I say “tell me everything you know,” I’m not really joking.
And in general, I think people are dumb. I know I’m pretty dumb, and the majority of people are no better off. Everybody has their own moments of dumb. But I know everyone has one thing I don’t have: A unique collection of experiences. Who you are and what you know is a result of the experiences you’ve gone through over the entire course of your life. That’s one of the base elements in my understanding of the universe. Now, I’ve spent a lot of my life alone. This is not a bad thing. In 99% of these times, I chose to be so. Solitude is something I prefer. And I never really caught onto this until earlier today, but I think that this is why I’ll always believe that people will be able to teach me something, no matter who they are. If I spend a lot of time alone, then I know that at those times everyone else was somewhere else, having an experience that wasn’t the one I was having. A different experience, a different thing to learn. Most things you do, you’re not the only one doing them. There’s just so many people today that that’s essentially impossible. But even if we’re doing the same thing, we’re doing it in different places, and with different experiences behind us that affect our perception. So if nothing else, we can come together and compare notes. Something from anyone.
This of course, doesn’t even attempt to explain WHY I feel compelled to know as much as I can. Something with parents and childhood I expect, but I don’t feel like thinking about that right now.
As far as playing with ideas in my head, that’s just something I do. I suppose I bring it up more so that I can prove that’s what I’m doing in those silent beats between dialogue. Sometimes I worry I put people off by not saying things. But it’s what I do. It’s something I’ve always done. Ever since I was very young. This (and all past) blogspaces of mine have been an example. I have 6 milk crates in my room filled with papers and notebooks and sketch pads that are all just a externalization of me playing with ideas. To me, ideas are very fun. Art is like visual ideas (or auditory, or just about anything one claims to be art, to be fair), and I’ve just always had a penchant to express myself though pictures instead of words. Well, except for all this I suppose… Again, something I’m sure is traced back to my upbringing. It’s how psychology works. Cause and effect. It’s all good.
Well yeah, there was my idea for the day. Well, the one that didn’t have any other outlet. Some ideas get used for homework, some get turned into art/comics. Some is held of until some time that I can turn it into what it needs to be (a game, an animation, a 3d model), but I don’t have the ability to make it that yet. And I think ideas are the next bit of cognition I want to figure out. Dreams, learned techniques, and maybe even memories I think I have a handle on. They all kind of work together. But abstract ideas… I dunno, but I have an idea~
F*R*A*G: I’m 6′ 5″ 230 lb. Is bacon really what you want to pick a fight with me over?
