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Oh mans. I forgot.

Effects over time.

The purpose of the experiment was to find the effects on a subject over the proceeding time period. Professor Alan Devair used himslf as the subject, and his observations were recorded and are presented here:

0:01 – Feelin’ fine.

0:06 – Feel a fuzzy sensation on my lower leg. It was just the cat brushing up against me.

0:19 – Feel kind of hungry.

0:20 – Go make a sandwich and eat it. Delicious.

0:25 – Hunger disapates.

0:28 – Consider that I might be recording findings to often. Decided that’s true, and kick off to finish reading a book I’m in the middle of, Dapper Dan’s Dangerous Delivery.

1:34 – Wasn’t that bad of a book. It would be great if it wasn’t fiction, as Dapper Dan seems like an upstanding kinda man.

2:20 – Feel a chill. Upon inspection, find that kitchen window is open. Don’t remember opening it. Close it, and reconsider close scrutiny of events. Decided to Record even more events.

4:37 – Promptly forget. Not just to record things more often, but the entire events of the past two hours and seventeen minutes.

4: 45 – What was that noise?

4:59 – Believe I’m becoming paranoid. Watch TV to try and relax.

5:20 – Vince convinces me to purchase ShamWow’s.

7:12 – I think Wilfred Brimley can see into my soul.

7:30 – Who Wants to be a Millionaire comes on, and fearing that that test on top of my own experiment would put me in double jeopardy, I turn off the TV.

7:33 – Get dizzy. Thinking about Jeopardy made me think of Wheel of Fortune. Decide I’m thinking too much for now and go to sleep.

9:41 – Awoken by breeze from kitchen window. Did I not actually close it before? And how did the breeze reach me across the house? Leave it open this time, but turn up heat.

10:00 – Hours reach double digits point. I eat a cupcake with two candles in it in celebration of this momentous occasion.

10:25 – It occurs to me that I do not own a cat. After a search, no cat is found on the premises.

14:10 – Fold some laundry. It seems stiffer then usual, must be cold in here. Turn up heat.

15:20 – My ShamWow’s arrive. That was fast.

16:00 – Wonder what the world will be like when everything becomes dystopian.

16:05 – Wow, so this is what dystopia is like…

17:10 – I never noticed before how longs my arms are.

17:14 – Begin contemplating moving to Europe so I can use the metric system to record length of arms and have it seem longer then using American measurements.

17:50 – Have allready filled two notebooks with scribbles and note on the best ways to exploit various conversions, measurements, mathematical formulas, and Catholics.

19:12 – I think I just debunked some fundamental principles of economics, quantum physics, and Judaism.

22:04 – Beleive that higher temperatures will make my brain function better. Turn heat up.

22:21 – Notice that the water in the toilet is boiling. Turn heat down.

24:30 – Under the findings of Jim Croce that you cannot hold time in a bottle, begin experiments in holding bullet time in a bottle.

24:56 – I don’t get it! Bullets are held in magazines, and Time IS a magazine! Why doesn’t this work?!

24:59 – Oh, this bottle is already full. Of whiskey.

25:00 – Now that that’s solved *hic* back to experiment.

27:00 – I swear I’m no longer breathing due to use of my diaphragm, but because the walls are expanding and contracting and changing the air pressure of the room forcing air in and out of my lungs.

27:74 – Now I’m pretty sure the entire time space continuum is starting to fuck with me.

30:03 – Dapper Dan shows up. We play some Super Smash Brothers Brawl.

30:31 – Dan throws down his controller in disgust, complaining that my use of sonic is cheap. I kick him in the balls and he leaves whimpering in pain. I am clearly the victor.

37:20 – I, Victor, champion and ruler of the realm, put out this decree over my lands: I demand cookies! BWAHAHAHA!!

45: 44 – My throne buzzes loudly and I realize I’ve been sitting on the washing machine. I come back from my imaginary realm, but promise the populace I will return to lead them one day.
50:01 – That goddamn cat is back. He’s in the kitchen. But I’ve got his number. I’m not going to look into or listen to the kitchen, to be sure I never have proof of his presence or absence. He will dissolve into a pool of quantum indecision.

50:15 – I’m not sure if my theory to get rid of the cat is entirely correct, so I refer to my notes from [17:50]. The books are filled with all of the lyrics to the Red Hot Chili Peppers discography. They do not backup or dissuade my fears.

64:12 – Hunger returns.

0:20 – With the line between reality and memory blurring, instead of making a new sandwich I relive eating the sandwich I had earlier. Still delicious.

64:15 – Hunger dissipates.

October 2nd, 1872 – ‘Very well, then. What time do you make it?’ ‘Eleven twenty-two,’ replied Passepartout, pulling an enormous silver watch from the depths of his waistcoat pocket. ‘Your watch is slow.’ ‘Pardon me, sir, but that’s impossible.’ ‘You’re four minutes slow. It is of no consequence. What matters is to note the difference. So, starting from this moment, 11.29 a.m. on Wednesday, 2 October 1872, you are in my employ.’ Whereupon Phileas Fogg got up, took his hat in his left hand, placed it on his head with the action of an automaton, and vanished without uttering another word.

77:07 – Does my face look pale to you?

78:49 – I’ve given up. All that which I had once found to be sure and truthful have turned against me.My paranoia is true, my works are meaningless. Life is a dream, and I am become death.

79:40 – I’m going to go lie down in the snow in my room. I guess my room is aspen now.

The records of the experiment end here. The Professor Devair was dissapeared from his apartment sometime after the last observation, and has not been seen since. The signs of his last actions are a number of opened but still full cans of cat food placed in animal traps, and the kitchen window is closed and has been shattered. Tatters of his shirt are discarded in front of the window.

These records are to be stored in the archive.

F*R*A*G: Die Hard 3 was a documentary filmed in real time. So was Robin Hood: Men in Tights.